Left Out

At work, all day long, the ladies I sit near talk about their kids.  It's
just the small little dramas of life...daughter not getting along with
teacher, T-ball practice being rained out, trying to get the kids to try
different types of foods...but it makes me feel so left out.  I used to be
able to chime in my "parenting" stories about my niece, but now that I'm
married and have moved out of the family home, I don't have much say in her
affairs.

My dream of becoming a mommy seems so far away right now.  I wish I could
just put it into the back corner of my mind and not think about it for
awhile while my husband makes up his mind, but it's hard when the first half
an hour of every work day is a recap of what crazy thing the kids did last
night and news of my good friends' pregnancies and new babies trickles in
during the rest of the day in e-mail form, so I just can't seem to get it
off of my mind.  As a result I stay in a state of alternating anger and
sadness all day.

I need to call and reschedule with the midwife and put a call in to my
doctor for a refill of my cholesterol meds, but I have some sort of
avoidance block that keeps me from wanting to do it.  Getting new scrips
somehow feels like a failure, like I'm giving up completely on having a
child instead of just deferring it till a future date.