Waiting is stupid

I never thought I'd spend the night before our romantic anniversary trip to Paris crying!

We had another baby discussion in the car in the Walmart parking lot today, and I just bawled.  I think waiting is stupid.  I'm 29 and have zero interest in getting pregnant in my 30's.  I have set August 31st as the deadline.  If he's still not sure by then, then I told him never to mention it to me again.  I'm ready now.  Now is as good a time as any. It would have been awesome to meet and fall in love in my early 20's and have five years to enjoy our marriage before starting a family, but that didn't happen for us and now I'm facing down my 30th birthday and am absolutely petrified at the possibility of there being any complications when we do start trying.  He said something about 2 years.  I told him August 31st or bust.  No on likes an ultimatum, but my body is breaking down as it is.  The thought of putting it through the rigors of pregnancy and childbirth on the doorstep of 35 is terrifying.  And my poor little heart is just broken.  I was so excited, and now I'm almost without hope.  My whole vision of the future is just a blank slate now...the nursery done up in bumblebees, the quilting projects I've been wanting to start on, talking pregnancy with my best friend who's finishing up her first trimester...

I'm going to try not to think about it for the next 9 days.

I suppose I will keep my appointment with the midwife on the 19th, though.  I need someone to write me a new scrip for birth control anyway.  And he says he wants to come along and ask questions.  I'll probably cry a lot during the visit.  I'm so embarrassed to have even scheduled a preconception appointment only to have to walk in and say, "actually, we weren't on the same page about the timeline and now we're not so sure we even want to have a baby, sorry for wasting your time".  Maybe she can write me a scrip for anti-depressants as well.