Talking it out

My husband has decided that he wants to speak with a minister about the
whole having kids thing.  He asked his dad for advice, and his dad told him
to consult a third party.  So he got the phone number off of a sign out
front of the Baptist church very near our house and left a message for the a
young preacher who happens to be a new father, himself.  Hopefully he can
work through some of the internal conflict he's having.  In the meantime,
I've rescheduled with the midwife so that I can get a new scrip for birth
control, but couldn't get in for two weeks and by that time I'll be out of
pills since my last dose is this Sunday.  I guess I'll have to call my
previous prescriber and have him call in a scrip to a local pharmacy.  Sigh.
I have been putting it off.  Maybe I'm holding out a secret hope that my
husband will change his mind.

Left Out

At work, all day long, the ladies I sit near talk about their kids.  It's
just the small little dramas of life...daughter not getting along with
teacher, T-ball practice being rained out, trying to get the kids to try
different types of foods...but it makes me feel so left out.  I used to be
able to chime in my "parenting" stories about my niece, but now that I'm
married and have moved out of the family home, I don't have much say in her
affairs.

My dream of becoming a mommy seems so far away right now.  I wish I could
just put it into the back corner of my mind and not think about it for
awhile while my husband makes up his mind, but it's hard when the first half
an hour of every work day is a recap of what crazy thing the kids did last
night and news of my good friends' pregnancies and new babies trickles in
during the rest of the day in e-mail form, so I just can't seem to get it
off of my mind.  As a result I stay in a state of alternating anger and
sadness all day.

I need to call and reschedule with the midwife and put a call in to my
doctor for a refill of my cholesterol meds, but I have some sort of
avoidance block that keeps me from wanting to do it.  Getting new scrips
somehow feels like a failure, like I'm giving up completely on having a
child instead of just deferring it till a future date.

$$

We just made it back from our trip.  I lost my passport and we had to spend
four extra (and expensive) days in France.  It was a fiasco and I'm only
remembering the negative things about the trip right now, so I won't go into
any of that except to say that it'll take us a bit to get back on track,
financially, and that I missed my appointment with the midwife and will have
to reschedule.  I should do it quickly, too, because I'm on my last two
weeks of birth control and will need to get a new scrip written pronto if we
don't want to have to use alternative means of contraception.

I started a high yield savings account for baby-related expenses today
because I just don't want my husband's indecision to derail my preparedness.
So far, I've just factored the costs of copays for prenatal care and our
portion of the delivery fees not covered by insurance...so nothing fun like
decorating the nursery or anything like that.  We'll have to discuss whether
or not to begin contributing to it or not, but I'd like to pitch $50 or so
into it every couple of weeks just to help myself feel like I'm getting
closer to my goal.

Also, I'm almost out of prenatal vitamins and need to stop and buy some more
but am just so discouraged about the whole thing that I'm feeling like it
doesn't matter if I take them or not at this point.

We met some random guy from Puerto Rico on a plane on our way home and he
was chatting up my husband and he asked, out of the blue, if we had any
children.  My husband answered "not yet" and the guy shot back with an
exuberant "what are you waiting for?"  I just silently pointed the finger at
my husband and continued reading.  I, for one, have no idea what we're
waiting for.  Now seems like a fine time to start trying.  But
unfortunately, the decision doesn't lie solely with me.

Waiting is stupid

I never thought I'd spend the night before our romantic anniversary trip to Paris crying!

We had another baby discussion in the car in the Walmart parking lot today, and I just bawled.  I think waiting is stupid.  I'm 29 and have zero interest in getting pregnant in my 30's.  I have set August 31st as the deadline.  If he's still not sure by then, then I told him never to mention it to me again.  I'm ready now.  Now is as good a time as any. It would have been awesome to meet and fall in love in my early 20's and have five years to enjoy our marriage before starting a family, but that didn't happen for us and now I'm facing down my 30th birthday and am absolutely petrified at the possibility of there being any complications when we do start trying.  He said something about 2 years.  I told him August 31st or bust.  No on likes an ultimatum, but my body is breaking down as it is.  The thought of putting it through the rigors of pregnancy and childbirth on the doorstep of 35 is terrifying.  And my poor little heart is just broken.  I was so excited, and now I'm almost without hope.  My whole vision of the future is just a blank slate now...the nursery done up in bumblebees, the quilting projects I've been wanting to start on, talking pregnancy with my best friend who's finishing up her first trimester...

I'm going to try not to think about it for the next 9 days.

I suppose I will keep my appointment with the midwife on the 19th, though.  I need someone to write me a new scrip for birth control anyway.  And he says he wants to come along and ask questions.  I'll probably cry a lot during the visit.  I'm so embarrassed to have even scheduled a preconception appointment only to have to walk in and say, "actually, we weren't on the same page about the timeline and now we're not so sure we even want to have a baby, sorry for wasting your time".  Maybe she can write me a scrip for anti-depressants as well.

Sad times

Sigh...well, my husband and I had a baby talk tonight and as I had been suspecting, he had a major freakout.  He, evidently, thought that after our one year anniversary we would state to TALK about having a baby.  I, on the other hand, was planning on starting to try.  I'm not sure how he missed that since I had been taking the prenatal vitamins and stopped taking my statin and changed my eating habits and we HAVE talked about it...months ago.  Every time I brought it up recently, he changed the subject.  I assumed we were on the same page, but now I see that I should have been paying closer attention.  And maybe we were on the same page and he has just changed his mind and is claiming to have been left out of the loop.  


He says he'll make up his mind "by the fall" so I'm going to go back on my statins and stay on birth control.  I don't know if I even want to keep my appointment with the midwife because it just seems a little sad now.  

It's hard to believe that our anniversary trip to France is just days away!
I've been looking forward to this for a year...it must be something like the
anticipation I'll feel when we're expecting a baby.

With all of the travel preparations - putting a hold on our mail, mowing the
lawn so it doesn't end up being a jungle by the time we get back, making
arrangements for the dog and cats to be cared for, packing and re-packing -
I haven't thought much about our baby-making plans...that is, I hadn't until
my best friend told me yesterday that she's 9 weeks along!  Now all thoughts
of currency conversion and trying to dredge up the few French phrases I
learned in high school have all been supplanted by baby thoughts!

I'm equally relieved and worried at the news.

(since I just accidentally deleted the post I was writing, I'll add more on
this later :)

It's really hard to believe that in under two weeks, I'll be off of birth
control!  We have a preconception appointment with a local midwife just days
after we return to make sure we're all on the same page before we take the
leap.  

I've been eating as if I were already pregnant - not doubling my portions,
but making sure I eat a handful of trail mix as a snack instead of a candy
bar, stocking up on dried, fresh, and frozen fruit, and making sure I
incorporate extra helpings of spinach in my recipes.  We don't eat badly
anyway and have been taking extra steps to reduce my cholesterol intake
since mine is high and I won't be able to be on statins while we're trying
to get pregnant and until after I stop breast-feeding.  So I've switched to
almond milk and we only buy the Omega-3 enhanced eggs and things like that.
I even bought a big  package of garden burgers so we can grill those instead
of eating fatty red meat.

When we get back from our trip, we'll start the hard work of saving up for
the baby and we have some home improvement projects we need to finish up
which will make saving that much harder.